tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-50083682012-01-17T01:17:48.278-06:00STRIVING FOR "ATTAINABLE HOTNESS", SINCE 1983Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.comBlogger1901100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-18907713315931858792009-08-13T16:04:00.006-05:002009-08-14T08:44:19.146-05:00

Some of you knew faithful Joey reader, commenter, and dear friend Dan Kenning. He passed away on Monday, August 10, after a short battle with cancer. He turned 36 last month.Mrs. Joey and I met Dan in 1992, when we began our studies at Red River College. We both knew quickly that Dan would be a good friend for a long time. In our wedding party, we each picked the bridesmaids and groomsmen, but

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com30tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-69663414969454154072009-04-08T15:10:00.027-05:002009-04-09T08:29:02.137-05:00

My taste in music – Hipster Doofus sans irony, saddled with a sad yearning to be coolThe Random 10What It’s All About – Girl TalkSun In An Empty Room – The WeakerthansTime Left For Love – Shout Out LoudsGoodnight, Good Guy – Collective SoulI’m Old Fashioned – John ColtraneLeave Me Alone – The VeronicasStranger Things Have Happened – Foo FightersLiving In Exile – Sleater-KinneyIt Serves You Right

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-84410650081764799972009-01-28T14:29:00.015-06:002009-01-29T12:44:00.153-06:00

Name that band!HAIR METAL MEMORIES, #1***I do solemnly swear...All you haters suck my balls!***SPOILER ALERT: If you have not seen No Country For Old Men, the latter portion of this post might diminish the viewing experience for you. If you have seen it, reading this post may diminish your experience in general. So you are warned. And I’m talking about mommy again… good thing it’s not an Oedipal

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-9591514552863745222008-12-18T12:21:00.029-06:002008-12-18T15:59:17.984-06:00

Pretentious Rock Star Poses #9My real name is not Cat Power. Edith Quackenbush is not so very indie-rockish, so I put a bunch of words into a hat and promised myself that I would take whatever name came out of it. But then I picked Oatmeal Enema, so… I had to break my promise. And then every other name combination sort of sucked, so since I like cats and have a vaguely positive opinion about

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-73951724982311383732008-12-11T14:49:00.013-06:002008-12-11T15:42:18.787-06:00

Pretentious Rock Star Poses, #8It’s the Dandy Warhols, just doing what rock stars do, sitting on a couch on top of trolley tracks, blocking traffic in the middle of a busy street. The guy sitting second from the left spent over six hours getting his ‘fro to look like that. The tireless efforts of fourteen stylists, plus consulting advice from Malcolm Gladwell and Don King led to that ‘just got

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-68416895346435935202008-12-03T13:25:00.019-06:002008-12-03T14:41:00.446-06:00

Pretentious Rock Star Poses #7Ola! We are The Jonas Brothers. We don’t drink (snicker) or do drugs (giggle), and we do not have sex before marriage (except with Miley Cyrus, but only when she pretends to be Hannah Montana, who is, like, fictional, and we only do it in the ****, so technically it doesn’t count). We just really, truly, rock out... ah, who are we kidding? We’re hideous little boys,

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-46257254531616782162008-11-20T11:01:00.013-06:002008-11-20T13:38:14.198-06:00

Pretentious Rock Star Poses, #6Hey there - we are one of Joey’s recent favorites, You Say Party! We Say Die! So what the hell is going on here, putting us into the ‘Pretentious’ category? Sure, I’m trying my hardest to be delightfully quirky, holding an obviously empty, diner-style coffee cup while surreptitiously glancing at… the lighting guy? And that dude in the back corner, staring at the

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-47073718483061604012008-10-30T12:11:00.000-05:002008-10-30T13:35:48.058-05:00

Pretentious Rock Star Poses, #5Hey there, it's Arcade Fire. We were too hot to touch a couple of years back, remember? We were so huge we could get back stage passes to a Leonard Cohen concert! Without even asking! Hell yeah! Now, times are little tougher, because during a frenzied mash-up of Red Bulls and vodka, hash brownies, and Wii bowling, we ganged up on our singer and sort of accidentally

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-66112313775190472008-10-17T09:05:00.011-05:002008-10-17T09:56:35.432-05:00

Pretentious Rock Star Poses, #4Hi, we’re The New Pornographers. Damn right we’re edgy, we put the word "porno" in our goddamn name. We’re a self-proclaimed “supergroup”, culling geniuses from other bands and genres, one of those bands with no set lineup of musicians from one record to the next. Yep, people just come and go in our shop, though whenever Neko Case isn’t here, it’s like “why are we

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-72118079390181968372008-10-01T14:37:00.012-05:002008-10-01T15:01:40.720-05:00

Pretentious Rock Star Poses, #4Can you believe there’s a sub-genre of indie rock called “post-shoegaze”? Huh? But it sounds kind of cool, so we, the band known as Silversun Pickups, will embrace it all the way to the bank, or at least the Wal~Mart clearance bin in late 2009. Fame is not something that matters to us, really. In fact, if you look at the far left side of this picture, you’ll see

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-25016599971563748822008-09-24T15:10:00.004-05:002008-09-24T15:44:11.347-05:00

PRETENTIOUS ROCK STAR POSES, #3Hi, we’re Death Cab For Cutie. As you can see, we’ve covered every base: we’re hipster-nerds who blend endearing gawkiness with faux-insightful lyrics and a sort of tight but kind of loose sound that tricks you into believing we're approaching transcendence to indie-rock greatness, but, who are we kidding - if you listen closely, we’re just the brain-damaged love

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-82272593176206363472008-09-19T08:21:00.000-05:002008-09-19T08:42:58.321-05:00

PRETENTIOUS ROCK STAR POSES, #2Hi, I’m Chris Martin. When I’m not writing overwrought lyrics accompanied by melancholy piano melodies, I use my spare time to care about the environment, right? In order to feel better about jetting around the world, I planted 25,000 trees, somewhere in India or something. This carbon off-set thing is great for wealthy people, right? Ah, but ‘ere’s the rub - it

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-79957332017411127152008-09-11T11:42:00.006-05:002008-09-11T12:14:06.996-05:00

First in a series!PRETENTIOUS ROCK STAR POSES #1Hello! We are U2, you might have heard of us, since we're only the greatest rock band of all time! Are we buggin' ya? We don't mean to bug ya! Between tours, we like to assume intimidating postures on the roofs of tall buildings. But we're getting older now, so we had to carry Bono back to the elevator, because his knees tend to lock up when it gets

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-876747270770389262008-09-04T07:59:00.006-05:002008-09-04T08:45:45.406-05:00

Seems like overkill, if you ask me...POLITICALLY INCORRECT COMICSFRIDAY RANDOM 10 (ON THURSDAY!)Five-foot-one,Eyes as cold as stone,Topped off by that hard blackened helmet,And I'm haunted by the freakish size of Nancy Reagan's head,(No way that thing came with that body)Sea of Love - Cat PowerNancy Reagan's Head - Mission of BurmaWhat If I Came Knocking - John MellencampLong Road To Ruin - Foo

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-10565895100738109112008-07-03T14:46:00.009-05:002008-07-03T15:33:09.117-05:00

Spot the clunkers!I… I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START WITH THIS ONE…What lurks inside my mp3 player? Pretense and crap!THE FRIDAY RANDOM 10Time to let off some pressureTime to let off some steamAll your notebooks get thrown awayAnd you start your diary cleanCrystal glass lined up in a rowWatched over by the G.I. JoesSugar in your coffee doesn't taste quite rightFeeling the effects for a hundred

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-27871528830393981932008-06-17T09:04:00.000-05:002008-06-17T09:21:41.930-05:00

ANOTHER UN-PC COMIC...V is for… don’t say it!MOTHER OF JOEY STRIKES AGAIN!I (almost) always keep my promises.And as promised, I’m following through on my threat to tell you the story about my mother, and how it came to be that she actually asked me when I’m getting a vasectomy.I don’t think guys are supposed to be asked this question. I think you can ask a guy just about anything, except that.On

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-24273497767043706832008-06-05T14:26:00.013-05:002008-06-06T08:27:56.055-05:00

Dr. Seuss, Beloved XenophobeUM, WHEN WAS IT POLITICALLY CORRECT, EXACTLY?Look out, sleeping drunk at the wheel! THIS PICTURE BEGS TO BE A CAUTIONARY TALE...I don't want to presume, but I'm guessing this driver will face charges? Perhaps a license suspension at the very least? That still beats having to get a hood ornament surgically removed from your colon...Exclusive!!!Joey Reviews Sex and The

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-11038684050631702182008-05-28T11:17:00.009-05:002008-05-30T08:32:37.549-05:00

Woman, you know your place is in the BatKitchen!UM, WHEN WAS IT POLITCALLY CORRECT, EXACTLY?The Judgementalsons are back, judgier than ever!HEY, HEY, WHAT DO YOU SAY, SOMEONE TOOK YOUR MANHOOD AWAY…PART II**The following story is MOSTLY true. Really!Last Saturday proved to be a glorious, sun-dappled day, one where numerous backyard chores could be completed, and a few actually were.Mrs. Joey and

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-68591986151538016512008-05-22T11:30:00.005-05:002008-05-22T11:43:09.792-05:00

The return of the comics!UM, WHEN WAS IT POLITCALLY CORRECT, EXACTLY? #1The Judgementalsons are back!HEY, HEY, WHAT DO YOU SAY, SOMEONE TOOK YOUR MANHOOD AWAY…**The following story contains a few truths and ample embellishments. Reader skepticism is advised.It’s been a weird week.Smoker Guy really did return to our bus stop after a month-long hiatus, and really did extinguish his cigarette on the

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-52919476021073791452008-05-15T15:59:00.008-05:002008-05-15T16:13:18.720-05:00

Last of the series!REJECTED CHILDREN’S BOOKS #11My taste in music is at turns more pretentious and more low-brow than yoursTHE FRIDAY RANDOM 10**Cheese now coded in super-helpful cheddar shading!Little Red Light – Fountains of WayneWeapon – Matthew GoodF*cked – The Brian Jonestown MassacreC’etait pour la passion – The DearsSummer’s End – Foo FightersNight Time (Live) – George Thorogood and the

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-69893952591630936032008-05-08T15:02:00.001-05:002008-05-08T15:07:40.124-05:00

REJECTED CHILDREN’S BOOKS #10It’s a helping thing!A POUND AND A HALF OF RAW KITTY FURY ANSWERS YOUR QUESTIONS…Hi everyone, I’m A Pound And A Half Of RAW KITTY FURY. Today, I’m going to help you dillweeds sort out your aimless, ill-advised and pathetic lives. You know why? Because I can, and if it wasn’t for me, A Pound And A Half Of RAW KITTY FURY, you would all be sitting around in overflowing

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-66450219851679695462008-05-02T06:17:00.004-05:002008-05-01T13:12:41.867-05:00

REJECTED CHILDREN’S BOOKS, #9We are living in a SOCIETY!THE SHAMING OF THE TOOL, PART ILast Friday morning, I waited for my bus with Smoker Guy.Quick sketch - he looks to be in his late thirties, wears velcro runners to work, plays Nintendo DS on the bus, and best of all, he lives a half-block from my house. He’s not "special", he’s merely eccentric, but in a really deadly dull way.Sometimes, we

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-11583768672147036432008-04-25T06:21:00.000-05:002008-04-24T13:47:30.441-05:00

REJECTED CHILDREN’S BOOKS #8My taste in music is pitifully ambitiousTHE FRIDAY RANDOM 10Swear to gawd the first four songs came out of my player just like that…Back On The Chain Gang – The PretendersGod Is A Bullet – Concrete BlondeWith A Bullet – Sam RobertsThe Pretender – Foo FightersWalken – WilcoNight Light – Sleater-KinneyFujiyama Attack – Guitar WolfOpened Once – Jeff BuckleyThe Hitter –

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-20517388545579205682008-04-18T14:16:00.002-05:002008-04-16T15:26:58.839-05:00

REJECTED CHILDREN’S BOOKS, #7(click to enlarge)Adventures in cinema!THERE WILL BE, UH, WHAT?*Took Li’l Joey to the second-run theatre to see something called The Legend of The Cuddly Three-Headed, Threatened By Poachers Waterhorse, or something like that, but they mixed up the reels. To my astonishment, There Will Be Blood illuminated the screen instead. I rubbed my hands with glee, and nudged Li

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-24009264010104067972008-04-11T13:25:00.007-05:002008-04-10T14:11:45.936-05:00

It's never too early for a self-help book...REJECTED CHILDREN'S BOOKS #6Um, excuse me...WHAT THE $%&# ARE DOING?!I wasn’t in a very good mood on Wednesday. I was walking down the hallway at work, and I passed by a student with a pleasant grin on his face. I went through a list of reactions…*Is he somehow making fun of me?*Is he mentally handicapped?*Is he high?But then I realized there was fourth

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-26121657682051349762008-03-28T06:15:00.005-05:002008-03-28T08:24:40.949-05:00

I bet you thought President was a possibility too? Bah!REJECTED CHILDREN’S BOOKS #5FEEL GOOD MOVIE OF THE YEAR!SATURDAY, 3:14PMIt’s been a long time since I’ve walked out of a theatre with that special feeling in my heart. You know, that warm feeling you get when you know everything is alright in this world?But you don’t know what I’m talking about, so let’s go back a few hours in time…12:30PMWow

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-48858471392026530612008-03-20T06:42:00.001-05:002008-03-19T14:10:26.185-05:00

Gosh Frank, I don't think that's an advisable use for a woodchipper!REJECTED CHILDREN’S BOOKS #4 It’s back?AND IF THE SON OF GOD EATS YOUR BRAIN, THERE SHALL BE SIX MORE WEEKS OF CONSERVATIVE MINORITY GOVERNMENT… Gordo, just quit already!HACK ATTACK!Say what you will, curmedgeon-emeritus Gord Sinclair Jr. takes seriously his mission to waste column space in the Winnipeg Free Press.Thrice-weekly,

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-19161555419732568972008-03-13T08:07:00.002-05:002008-03-12T16:23:15.366-05:00

REJECTED CHILDREN’S BOOKS #3Is it real?A GOOD ADVICE COLUMNIST WOULD READ THE WHOLE LETTER, RIGHT?(click to enlarge)Breaking News!!!CITY PURCAHSED BY HOME BUILDERS, REALTORSAfter months of negotiation, the Manitoba Home Builders Association and the Winnipeg Real Estate Board teamed to purchase the City of Winnipeg for an undisclosed sum.“I am pleased to state we have achieved peace, above asking

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-6249934723848089342008-03-07T06:05:00.006-06:002008-03-07T08:36:51.006-06:00

UNINTENTIONALLY DIRTY COMICS #26 and #27Special double issue blowout to end the series…Gosh, I wouldn't know what he's talking about......and let's end on a profoundly creepy note. Cheers!This week’s TFOTB (The F***er On The Bus…)“So Jeff Healey died on the weekend, eh? Someone was telling me he was blind, but I think they were thinking of Eric Clapton…”How could you not know Jeff Healey was

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-4556494347318548692008-02-29T06:15:00.000-06:002008-02-29T08:39:30.603-06:00

UNINTENTIONALLY DIRTY COMICS #26Just another weekend of fishing, hunting, and %$#&ing...NEW SERIES! REJECTED CHILDREN’S BOOKSNumber two in a series...THAT F***ER ON THE BUS… YOU KNOW, THAT GUY I MENTIONED ONE TIME?I’ve mentioned “that guy” before, the f***er on the bus. He’s the guy who can’t shut up. The idea of silence, even for a moment, makes him very uncomfortable. And so he holds court in

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-39275532772385858982008-02-22T06:43:00.008-06:002008-02-20T15:00:08.596-06:00

UNINTENTIONALLY DIRTY COMICS #26Forced to guess, I would have picked Beetle as the “top”…THE FRIDAY RANDOM 10My taste in music is alternately more pretentious and low-brow than yoursThe beguiling Neko Case, and a lucky bird...I leave the party at three a.m.Alone, thank GodWith a valium from the brideIt's the devil I loveAnd that's as funny as real loveAnd that's as real as true loveSnow (Hey Oh)

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-75413509185325261432008-02-15T06:55:00.001-06:002008-02-15T08:25:17.007-06:00

UNINTENTIONALLY DIRTY COMICS #25In the old days, that kind of talk would have gotten him locked up....ADS THAT HAVE NOT STOOD THE TEST OF TIME…And all this time I was bashing it against a rock...CORRECTION:Last week, this picture was labelled as an image of Winnipeg's new skating trail. In fact, it is a picture of a windswept iceplain in Antarctica. The Joey regrets the error.Rant! What's new?

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-84372169897698443632008-02-08T06:38:00.000-06:002008-02-08T08:35:34.249-06:00

UNINTENTIONALLY DIRTY COMICS #24 Then, I do 100 toe-touches, and continue to not ask questions...BONUS! UNINTENTIONALLY DIRTY SQUIRT GUNNote the locations of the trigger and plug... It’s back! But... why?THE FRIDAY RANDOM 10My taste in music is at turns more pretentious and low-brow than yoursSouvenirs – Christine FellowsMonkey Wrench – Foo FightersDon’t You – Simple MindsBlack Wind Blowing –

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-86219210085886905672007-12-14T06:36:00.000-06:002007-12-14T13:38:37.562-06:00

This is the last Joey! of 2007. On behalf of all the staff and shareholders here at Joey! Publications, along with our parent corporation, the Scheinhardt Wig Company, we wish you a happy holiday season, free of family dysfunction and liberally infused with alcohol, er, holiday cheer!Joey! returns on January 11, 2008.UNINTENTIONALLY DIRTY COMICS #22, #23Enjoy them separately, or together!Doc

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-468019192044266092007-12-07T06:05:00.000-06:002007-12-06T13:22:58.727-06:00

UNINTENTIONALLY DIRTY COMICS #21Candid pic from NAMBLA-Con 1963...ADS THAT HAVE NOT STOOD THE TEST OF TIME…...and now they're dead.JOEY JOEY, WHY SO SNARKY?Three blurbs to showcase my foul mood…My co-workers are snarfing up left over food again. Someone in our office brought back some old picked-over sandwiches from a meeting, just in case anyone was hungry. No worries…A half-dozen of my office

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-61740908572911690232007-11-30T06:39:00.000-06:002007-11-30T10:01:01.612-06:00

UNINTENTIONALLY DIRTY COMICS #20In fact, "Daddy" is a high-paid escort...ADS THAT HAVE NOT STOOD THE TEST OF TIME What's wrong with being friendly? NEAR, FAR… WHEREVER YOU ARE, PLEASE F*** OFF… Why, exactly, must your heart go on?So according to an e-mail from Ticketmaster, I have a choice – for just over $500, I can have the best seat in the arena for the Celine Dion concert next October.*Or,

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-54488832459957210302007-11-22T16:06:00.000-06:002007-11-22T12:59:12.087-06:00

UNINTENTIONALLY DIRTY COMICS #19First one not in the pool has a plausible alibi?The Friday Random Ten is on hiatus. In its place please enjoyADS THAT HAVE NOT STOOD THE TEST OF TIME #1(Generously provided by one of Joey's fantastic readers!)(click to enlarge)Free of charge!JOEY’S WISDOMShould be a good weekend to stay out of Toronto. The sportswriters are trying to make hay out of the fact that a

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-25796079231434625042007-11-15T15:20:00.000-06:002007-11-15T16:09:55.977-06:00

UNINTENTIONALLY DIRTY COMICS #18You want me to what? My taste in music is more pretentious than yoursTHE FRIDAY RANDOM 10 – All 80s Edition! Go-go music really makes us dance Do the pony; puts us in a trance Do the watusi, just give us a chance That's when we fall in lineLet’s Go Crazy – Prince and the RevolutionJump – Van HalenChrome Plated Heart – Melissa EtheridgeHurts So Good – John Cougar

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-47099320999332419552007-11-08T13:23:00.000-06:002007-11-07T14:18:29.629-06:00

UNINTENTIONALLY DIRTY COMICS #18Looks like Peter Parker pulled his p- My taste in music is more pretentious than yoursTHE FRIDAY RANDOM 10 And pain courses throughEvery vein, every limbTrying to find a way outBetween the secrets in my skinTrust Yourself – Blue RodeoDiagnosis – The WeakerthansRunnin’ Down A Dream – Tom PettyGel – Collective SoulMama You Sweet – Lucinda WilliamsStill In Hollywood –

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-83449461238974093202007-11-01T12:35:00.000-05:002007-11-01T14:08:46.062-05:00

UNINTENTIONALLY DIRTY (BOOK COVERS)That’s some impressive wood, Timmy… My taste in music is more pretentious than yoursTHE FRIDAY RANDOM 10 Play more Joni Mitchell, or the bunny gets it!One – U2Hackensack – Fountains Of WayneBaby Did A Bad Bad Thing – Chris IsaakPastoral Ballade – Yo Yo MaBroken Drum (Boards Of Canada Remix) – BeckBridge To Nowhere – Sam RobertsGet It On (Bang A Gong) – The Power

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-60803736428881315392007-10-26T07:35:00.000-05:002007-10-25T11:18:03.693-05:00

UNINTENTIONALLY DIRTY COMICS #17Sick, sick robots...My taste in music is more pretentious than yoursTHE FRIDAY RANDOM 10Water, Building and Sin (I'm as green as this blade in the grass that bends)Big Oregon city draws you in A promise fulfilled or not Unionhouse Branch - Alison Krauss & Union Station... Departures/Arrivals - Christine Fellows... Light Rail Coyote - Sleater-Kinney... Day In Day

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-12114353840195071332007-10-19T06:56:00.000-05:002007-10-16T14:29:16.820-05:00

Unintentionally Dirty Comics #16It gets funnier the more you say it…My taste in music is more pretentious than yoursTHE FRIDAY RANDOM 10A singer in a smoky roomSmell of wine and cheap perfumeFor a smile they can share the nightIt goes on and on and on and on…Farewell Ride – BeckGod Save The Queen – The Sex PistolsWe Got The Beat – The Go-GosDon’t Stop Believing – JourneyDon’t You Need – Melissa

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-89109567509443292382007-10-12T06:24:00.000-05:002007-10-11T15:42:44.615-05:00

Unintentionally Dirty Comics #15Okay, this one probably is dirty… My taste in music is more pretentious than yoursTHE FRIDAY RANDOM 10 So this ain't the end -I saw you again todayHad to turn my heart awayYou smiled like the Sun -Kisses for everyoneAnd tales - it never fails!Mojo Pin – Jeff BuckleyBarracuda – HeartLion’s Jaws – Neko CaseWhat Light – WilcoLet’s Go Crazy – Prince & The

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-87758212767689178662007-10-05T06:36:00.000-05:002007-10-04T13:44:40.469-05:00

Unintentionally Dirty Comics #14Actually, YOU are the "Bum Boat Special"... My taste in music is more pretentious than yoursTHE FRIDAY RANDOM 10Space flunky, four on the floorFortified with the liquor storeThis one's down, gimme some moreGimme toro, gimme some moreBoy Inside The Man (Acoustic Version) – Tom CochraneMargaret vs. Pauline – Neko CaseYou Think I Ain’t Worth A Dollar, But I Feel Like

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-61765623964108851492007-09-28T06:57:00.000-05:002007-09-27T09:35:31.353-05:00

Unintentionally Dirty Comics #13Yeah, but is Captain America taking you to Fire Island this weekend?(click to enlarge)My taste in music is more pretentious than yoursTHE FRIDAY RANDOM 10So here's the last one I have leftWe fell a little deep, I watched you fall asleepAnd nothing happens in the end,but I remember when I could remember whenSeems like a long time agoNo Child Of Mine – PJ HarveyDazed

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-77440447547941559802007-09-21T07:07:00.000-05:002007-09-19T13:49:47.496-05:00

Unintentionally Dirty Comics #12My taste in music is more pretentious than yours...THE FRIDAY RANDOM 10Oh, can't get enough, oh, ohI can't get enough, oh, ohI can't get enoughYeah, haDo, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, doDo, do, do, do, do, do, doDo, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, doDo, do, do, do, do, do, do*Clocks - Coldplay*Whip It - Devo*Learning To Fly - Tom Petty*Yin and Yan and The Flowerpot Man

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-38713486489704942007-09-14T07:22:00.000-05:002007-09-13T15:19:21.150-05:00

Unintentionally Dirty Comics #11My Taste In Music Is More Pretentious Than YoursTHE FRIDAY RANDOM 10You know you're semi-good lookin', and on the streets again Oh yeah you think you're really cookin' baby, you better find yourself a friend My friend, ain't talkin' 'bout love My love is rotten to the core Ain't talkin' 'bout loveJust like I told you before, uh before, uh before, before*New

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-25854549769003999102007-09-06T06:48:00.000-05:002007-09-05T14:20:11.833-05:00

Unintentionally Dirty Comics #10My taste in music is more pretentious than yoursThe (Thursday) Random 10 Tonight I'll dream while in my bedWhen silly thoughts go through my headAbout the bugs and alphabetAnd when I wake tomorrow I'll betThat you and I will walk together again‘Cause I can tell that we are going to be friendsTupelo Rose – ShayeWho Do You Love? – George Thorogood & The Delaware

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-80903345400950272862007-08-31T06:16:00.000-05:002007-08-31T08:31:49.600-05:00

Unintentionally Dirty Comics #9My Taste In Music Is More Pretentious Than YoursThe Friday Random 10Motel 30 is a desperate shout And if you check in then you'll never check out You feel like a hound, you look like a pup And if you let it get you down then you'll never get upDance Some More – The WatchmenMotel 30 (Live) – The Lowest Of The LowBlood She Wants – The Northern PikesAll Fall Down –

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-51685742502487528652007-08-24T06:38:00.000-05:002007-08-23T15:41:35.153-05:00

Unintentionally Dirty Comics #8It’s Back! Pssst, was it missing?The Friday Random 10From my mp3 player to your jaded sensibilitiesMove over mister - step on back in the crowd'Cause she's a whole lotta sister 'bout to drive me wildLotta places I've been, lotta names, lotta wordsNo one compares to my real gone girlLighten up baby, I'm in love with you --El Matador – Los Fabulosos Cadillacs#41 –

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-35101354075216460622007-08-17T06:10:00.000-05:002007-08-16T13:17:14.675-05:00

Unintentionally Dirty Comics #6BONUS!Unintentionally Dirty Comics #7The Friday Random 10 is pre-empted by technical difficulties, as in I'm too stupid to re-charge the battery in my mp3 player. It will resume next week, if I overcome my dumb-assedness.The Joeys take the Twin Cities!Minni-motorin’Your faithful correspondent Joey and his family are back from our summer getaway.Sophisticated,

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-26379225002596135542007-07-26T15:54:00.000-05:002007-07-26T16:11:52.593-05:00

Unintentionally Dirty Comics, #5My taste in music is more pretentious than yoursThe Friday Random 10For better or worse, here’s what’s in my mp3 playerHeh heh heh heh Now listen to me I'm burnin', burnin', I got the fever I know for sure, there ain't no cure So feel it, don't fight it, go with the flow Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme one more for the roadThe Scientist – ColdplayBored Of You – The

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-22845783714360914262007-07-24T06:25:00.000-05:002007-07-24T08:41:10.494-05:00

Unintentionally dirty comics, #4 Breaking news!Darfur refugees overwhelm ChadMy numbers12The number of seconds I could maintain a flexed arm hang, part of the Participaction fitness horror show in elementary school. In order to achieve a bronze badge, boys had to hang on the bar for 30 seconds. My resulting dull grey “participation” badge reinforced my self-esteem, each and every year.11Sadly,

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-9798604690132967222007-07-20T09:23:00.000-05:002007-07-20T09:28:45.908-05:00

Because Blogger is one of the worst software applications known to humankind, the first and last links in the Friday Time Wasters do not work. Blogger just decides for you what will work and what won't... Blogger sucks!Anyway, in case you are actually interested, here's the broken links:Conrad Blackhttp://www.slate.com/id/2170474/Robot Jokeshttp://www.mcsweeneys.net/links/lists/8J.AlexBoyd.html

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-9497538252089052342007-07-19T14:36:00.000-05:002007-07-20T09:18:13.674-05:00

Unintentionally Dirty Comics, #3My Taste In Music Is More Pretentious Than Yours…The Friday Random 10A really, truly unplanned sequence of songs on Joey’s mp3 playerWell I could call out when the going gets toughThe things that we've learnt are no longer enoughNo language, just sound, that's all we need know,To synchronize love to the beat of the showThe first one? Oh no, oh no…*Cum On Feel The

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-77675402133750169262007-07-18T02:36:00.000-05:002007-07-18T09:19:31.598-05:00

Unintentionally Dirty Comics, #2Things I Love About Winnipeg… Driving in St. JamesAmong the oldest-skewing areas of the city (well, what Winnipeg neighborhood doesn't fit that description), St. James also features the city’s worst drivers. That I got through my early years as a driver there without being struck by a blue-haired bingo mama veering into my lane, oblivious to all in her cloud of

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-59871312511384717412007-07-16T07:21:00.000-05:002007-07-16T08:37:03.559-05:00

NEW!Unintentionally Dirty Comics, #1Laundry-listing my sad, empty lifeThings that are neither new nor exciting for me anymore…*Alcohol*Tim Horton’s coffee*Jessica Alba*Hybrid cars*Laminate flooring*Celebutards*Animated penguins*Things named after, created by, or worn by Burton Cummings*My cholesterol count*Toddlers*Bark chips*Rainbows*Fresh-laid asphalt*Uncontrolled left turns*The one percent cut

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-49309593831488777272007-07-13T07:38:00.000-05:002007-07-12T14:38:44.883-05:00

My taste in music is more pretentious than yoursThe Friday Random 10 An actual sequence of songs found in my mp3 player... Hush little baby, my poor little thingYou've been shuffled about like a pawned wedding ringIt must seem strange, love was here then goneAnd the Oklahoma sunrise becomes the Amarillo dawnWhat's important in this life Ask the man who lost his wifeThe First Time – U2Thumbelina –

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-60673872815895800482007-07-11T06:45:00.000-05:002007-07-11T08:36:59.172-05:00

You the man!From the NY Post, noting the quarter-century age difference between the rumoured presidential candidate and his trophy wife…Gruff, graying Republican Fred Thompson has a proven track record of tapping into a younger generation - starting with his wife.Mr. Compassion 2007My submission to the judgesWe spent the last few days driving a rented Hyundai Elantra.It was an adequate vehicle,

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-45092073415240357312007-07-09T07:46:00.000-05:002007-07-09T08:47:33.698-05:00

This photo begs for a caption...Add your best ideas in the Comments section.Who’s In My 5?If I had the My 5 cell phone plan, and My 5 had to be comprised of the Most Brutal Dictators of the Modern Era, I’d have to go with…Slobodan MilosevicAugusto PinochetGeorge W. BushDeng XiaopengKim Il SungTwo of these guys are dead, aren't they? Probably wouldn't call them very often.Pick apart my list in the

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-82527875370022673802007-07-06T07:47:00.000-05:002007-07-05T09:33:18.605-05:00

My Taste In Music Is More Pretentious Than YoursThe Friday Random 10 (from Joey's mp3 player) The Life And Death Of Mr. Badmouth - PJ HarveyI Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself - The White StripesHey Johnny Park - Foo FightersThere You Are In Me - Nellie McKayMojo Pin - Jeff BuckleyJackie T - The Northern PikesHeavy Metal Drummer - WilcoThe Hot Rock - Sleater-KinneyBring On The Night - The

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-59155401892253516102007-07-04T10:37:00.000-05:002007-06-29T14:17:49.243-05:00

Hello loyal Joey-ites!After an (ahem) extended absence, your friend Joey has triumphed over his addiction to glycol-infused Chinese cat food. I have learned to write again! Please note I have not learned to live again or love again, but, you know, one thing at a time...I have chosen the Dead Zone of summer to roll out a new and vitally enhanced Joey! for my loyal readership. Smart, hey? Over the

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-1163622771761353252006-11-15T18:14:00.000-06:002006-11-15T14:43:24.426-06:00

Goaded by the usual half-hearted effort the Free Press showed in producing its “Manitoba’s Power 30” story a few weeks back, I thought I’d try to produce something more interesting. Can you believe they named the Premier the province’s most powerful person? I realize we live in a paternalistic, hand-to-mouth backwater, but why not try to really find out who pulls his strings? Ah, but that would

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-1162935257949778452006-11-07T22:27:00.000-06:002006-11-08T14:17:58.196-06:00

THE UGLYI skipped The Good, because writing about stuff I like, is, well, boring. And if I tell my million-plus readership what I like about this city, they’ll go to those places too, and they will become crowded, and I won’t like them anymore. Believe me, these places rely on my patronage - for revenue, and for street cred...So let’s jump straight to the entirely random and utterly arbitrary

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-1162244651415223172006-10-30T20:20:00.000-06:002006-10-30T15:44:11.436-06:00

PART I: The BadRestaurant-BarsWhat do you get when you bring pathetic gangster-wannabes together with tragically unhip divorcees trying to reclaim their pointless youth? That’s right, a critical mass for the city’s most-hyped, most-overrated bar scene. To the owners of Moxie's, Earl's, and The Keg - it doesn't matter how much teak and slate and hardwood you install, in Winnipeg any bar boils down

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-1161614896811299852006-10-23T21:36:00.000-05:002006-10-23T20:00:50.983-05:00

WHO will (fail to) set the city’s direction for the next four years? And who will (mis)spend our property tax dollars? Ideally, we could leave the mayor's office vacant, and keep that salary for hamburgers and vodka, but we don’t live in an ideal world. And in Winnipeg, the city where imagination goes to die, we’re left with an incumbent and three challengers who seem to be running because there’

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-1161119646161957072006-10-17T22:07:00.000-05:002006-10-17T16:14:06.196-05:00

I’m so glad you’ve rejoined me, faithful reader(s). I’m hardly worthy of your patronage; barely a posting or two in the last year, and slim pickings at that. Sadly, I squandered the past year in an orgy of booze and cigarettes. Between binges, I roamed the halls of my mansion (the House That Blogging Built), choked with despair, melancholy, and faithlessness (but I saved that brand of misery for

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-1157551264837304292006-09-06T20:55:00.001-05:002006-09-06T10:27:52.313-05:00

Sometimes I wonder if I’m prejudiced toward certain people or groups. But then I remind myself: hey, Tyra Banks is awfully hot. And so is that East Indian (?) chick on ER. I would do either one of them, without hesitation. And that’s how I know: I’m a good guy.* * *Last week, I waited ten minutes to buy a pack of gum at a convenience store. Everyone ahead of me was using a debit card to buy a

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-1156447614712468112006-08-24T22:16:00.000-05:002006-08-25T08:55:07.980-05:00

On my dad’s side of the family, when the men reach the age of 70, they are placed on ice floes and pushed out to sea. I think we stole the idea from the Inuit, but isn’t that the way with family traditions? When my grandfather passed on at the age of 67, the official cause of death was heart failure, but I remain skeptical. I can’t prove it, but I think he was anxiously watching the calendar, and

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-1155823237838932442006-08-17T08:48:00.000-05:002006-08-18T08:37:17.146-05:00

Find all 161 typos, factual errors, and outright lies to win a 1989 Hyundai Pony! Contest void in Quebec.This week, a loyal Joey! reader pointed out my neglect. Months ago, I promised to keep you up to speed on our fencing projects. Very little happened, then BAM! we had breaking news. It’s not much, but with fences, the news doesn’t exactly break like a liquid-gel-bomb story on CNN.A few days

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-1155578270435039082006-08-14T12:55:00.000-05:002006-08-14T12:57:50.470-05:00

Concepts Rejected Before Arriving At The Film Snakes On A PlaneAn Old Idea, Reworked To Be Scary?Field Of (Bad) DreamsThe Birds (With Avian Flu)House Of Wax Grizzly Bear, Come To Life!The Sisterhood Of The Travelling STDFried Green Tomatoes With Murderous IntentForrest Gump – Coked-Up, Paranoid And DelusionalHow About Something Scary… Somewhere?Rabid Hamsters In A Cage With A Broken DoorDavid

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-1153334272910108402006-07-19T13:27:00.000-05:002006-07-19T13:37:52.926-05:00

This post is humour-free. Some readers might say they are all humour-free. I never take requests (and never get any requests, for that matter), but Mrs. Joey used her influence to make me write this one. If you're not up for some sentimental prose, just jump over to the archive and choose from the menu o' hackery...I had no say in the matter. Mrs. Joey and Sydney made the trip to the Humane

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-1150472820448831372006-06-17T22:40:00.000-05:002006-06-19T08:49:36.266-05:00

Just like a TV dinner, or a three-pack of boxer-briefs, the province of Manitoba has been branded. Image is everything, said tennis star Andre Agassi, many years ago. How sage, how prescient those words are at the dawn of this fast-paced, focus-grouped millennium. If you want to be in the game, you’ve got to have an identity, an attitude, a bit of sizzle. Or, if you have none of that, you must

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-1146596029184817272006-05-02T22:39:00.000-05:002006-05-02T16:27:18.330-05:00

LOCATION: BURGER KING DRIVE-THRU, INGLEWOOD, CA12:06 amJACK: If you’re lying, I’ll find out!CLERK: I’m not lying sir, the milkshake machine is broken! I’m really, really sorry!JACK: Dammit, we’re running out of time! Fine, give me a Pepsi, and I want a coupon for a free shake, or your manager will be hearing from me, and he does not want that to happen!LOCATION: TEXACO STATION, SANTA MONICA BLVD

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-1137182219967143952006-01-31T21:55:00.000-06:002006-01-31T16:03:42.156-06:00

Dialogue BetweenTwo Reluctant Contract Killers? OR Parents Trying To Unpackage Their Child’s New Bratz Doll?You Decide!I'm not doing this. You can't make me do this.Not like that! See, you have to break that off, right there.Okay, okay, step back for a moment, clear your head.Oh, you thought this would be easy? Damn it, you are so naïve!Okay, you’re upset now, but by tomorrow you’ll have

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-1131566688257566082005-11-11T21:55:00.000-06:002005-11-10T10:08:11.646-06:00

Don’t Drink The Kool-AidHAVE YOU EVER felt like the odd one out in your office? More specifically, have you wondered how you managed to find yourself in what appears to be an asylum?The hair on your neck stands up constantly because you just don’t know what these people are going to do next. You wonder if you should just give in and become one of them - it would be so much easier.Remember that

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-1130434402951345292005-10-27T21:29:00.000-05:002005-10-27T12:33:22.966-05:00

Proposed Concepts For Hallmark Cards’ Troubled Relationship** Series**It really exists, go to a Hallmark store sometimeAnniversaries, Special Occasions…Let’s Celebrate My Ability To See Past Your LooksThinking Of You, After Our First Fight-Free DateRemember, We Did Hook Up At An AA MeetingCelebrating Love…I Need Your Love (And Some Weed)You Are The Reason I Finished Bartending SchoolNow, I Only

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-1129755067474021902005-10-19T21:44:00.000-05:002005-10-20T08:18:59.646-05:00

Fence News II: The Reckoning-ingWe left off with a cliffhanger. I was going to meet with Judgmentalson to see if I could negotiate the repair of our shared fence. Let’s see how that turned out…I journeyed reluctantly to their house on a Saturday at 10:00am, as agreed.“Wow, you got here right at 10:00,” Judgmentalson said in his trademark monotone. Absolutely nothing gets past this man. Well,

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-1129235174472462162005-10-13T19:23:00.000-05:002005-10-14T08:20:41.376-05:00

Snatched from the top secret file!Other Arguably Qualified Candidates Short-Listed For The US Supreme Court Vacancy*squabble sorter-outer Judge Judy*super-experienced law show producer David E. Kelley*reflexively judgmental life coach Dr. Phil McGraw*oft-convincing actress and star of Judging Amy, Amy Brenneman*avid Matlock fan Ron Howard*frequent courtroom visitor Courtney Love

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-1126813805003042692005-09-15T23:19:00.000-05:002005-09-15T15:12:35.056-05:00

Oh my, how things have progressed since last we talked of posts ‘n pickets, and neighbors ‘n nutjobs.Since our last installment, the shared fence with the Overscheduledsons has been torn down. The new fence is nearly finished, in spite of the half-assed approach our neighbor has taken as the self-appointed Project Manager.He’s a busy, stressed-out, disorganized guy, living the dream, as it were,

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-1121267458717213242005-07-13T12:05:00.000-05:002005-07-13T10:18:23.476-05:00

This Is A CallIT LOOKS LIKE our summer vacation plans are circling the drain. So many circumstances have conspired to limit our options – lack of time, lack of money, prevalence of mosquitoes, presence of in-laws – and now we might be spending our two weeks at home.That is totally fine with me, since I have devised a back-up plan that allows me to have a great summer vacation. The wife and kid?

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-1120146801632156202005-06-29T22:39:00.000-05:002005-06-30T12:05:02.980-05:00

Sh*t Sandwich CinemaTHE DAY AFTER TOMORROWDennis Quaid, Jake Gyllenhaal, Sela WardCould they have come up with a less interesting title for a blockbuster disaster flick?The Day After Tomorrow!From the producers who brought you Quarter Past Two, the schoolyard drama starring Haley Joel Osment as a young man terrified to play dodge ball at recess! Can he face his fears? Featuring the hit single It’

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-1118349230887079522005-06-09T20:05:00.000-05:002005-06-10T08:23:05.190-05:00

Rejected Television PilotsEven Hollywood Has Its Standards!REJECTED ANIMATED SITCOM! Six (and a Half) Feet UnderSix single soilbug buddies experience the same trials and tribulations as we humans living above ground, in this highly original new show. In the first episode, paleontologist soilbug Russ (voice of Jonathan Silverman) goes on a date with a sexy soilbug he's had a crush on for weeks (

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-1117806111708786262005-06-03T06:33:00.000-05:002005-06-03T08:41:51.716-05:00

California Screamin’: Part IIDay 7: Los AngelesOur first full day in the sprawling metropolis, still adjusting to the neighborhood. You see, for some reason we wanted a hotel in the middle of everything, close to the beach, to Hollywood, and to Beverly Hills. We ended up at a fairly nice hotel in the middle of a neighborhood called Koreatown. Koreatown seemed like an odd name, given there were no

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-1117658437444854732005-06-01T19:32:00.000-05:002005-06-01T15:40:37.453-05:00

California Screamin’, Part IJoin us for a chronicle of our rootin’ tootin’, not at all boot scootin’ trip to the Left Coast!Day 1: en route to Los Angeles, CAIf I’m lucky I fly once a year, so I was really impressed by the news that televisions are now provided for every passenger on Westjet’s flights. Before boarding, I fretted about how I was going to balance a TV on my lap for the whole

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-1115931424862060442005-05-12T23:46:00.000-05:002005-05-13T08:29:12.383-05:00

Question Of The Week: I was watching The Jetsons the other day with Sydney, and it reminded me of a concern I had back when I was a kid watching the show. Since all of the homes and businesses are on stilts, high in the air, I have to wonder: what's down there, exactly?Is it a post-apocalypse hell, with mutant cockroaches cracking the whip on their human slaves? I think that would make a much

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-1115325906260530082005-05-05T19:33:00.000-05:002005-05-05T15:45:06.300-05:00

HEADLINES … American Idol Might Be Fixed: Dow Jones Unaffected … Pat O’Brien Out Of Rehab, Looking Forward To Relapse … What’s That Sound? Pitt and Jolie Humping … World Hockey Championships Televised To Zero Audience Share … Who’s Your Daddy: Cruise Goes Blue Balling With Virgin Holmes***Hoopla? What hoopla?Joey! (formerly Musings, formerly D, MB!, formerly Maladroit, formerly Johnson Waste

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-1114715833682156522005-04-28T19:10:00.000-05:002005-04-28T14:17:13.690-05:00

Sh*t Sandwich Cinema!WALKING TALL (2004)Starring The Rock, Johnny Knoxville, Ashley ScottMake no mistake – this version of Walking Tall is a sh*tty movie. Not that the original generated any Oscar buzz, but it holds up better than this remake.However, I’ll go easy on this film. Next to Soccer Mom Porn, Ass-Kicking Flicks are my favorite genre, so Walking Tall gets a little credit just for its

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-1114116875468263522005-04-21T19:44:00.000-05:002005-04-22T08:34:35.436-05:00

Remainders aka The Clearing Out Sale - it all must go! Rejected phrases in Paul Martin's speech, ultimately replaced by "should have been more vigilant"*"should have been less opportunistic"*"should have covered our tracks better"*"should have spent less money defeating Quebec separatism, more money pimping our rides"*"should have buried more bodies"*"c'mon, this was Chretien's fault, why are you

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-1113501131587133062005-04-14T05:39:00.000-05:002005-04-15T08:28:25.266-05:00

Sh*t Sandwich Cinema!This issue...THE UNITED STATES OF LELAND (2004)Starring Ryan Gosling, Don Cheadle, Kevin Spacey, Lena Olin, Chris Klein, Michelle Williams, Jena Malone, and a supporting cast of thousands…This movie proves that you can load up on the thespians, but it doesn’t guarantee a tasty sandwich. Just like if you put macaroni and cheese loaf, peanut butter, pickles, mayonnaise, jam,

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-1112815068613589792005-04-07T08:05:00.000-05:002005-04-07T08:31:01.240-05:00

Special Quad Issue! (for the single issue price)RemaindersIt’s hard to watch someone eat a muffin. It’s not their fault the muffin breaks apart so easily, the crumbs dropping through their fingers or rolling off their chin, but it still grates on me. A few times I have considered some sort of muffin intervention, where I would just shut it down and buy the person a danish, which is not as crumby,

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-1112206043577728162005-03-30T12:04:00.000-06:002005-03-30T12:07:23.580-06:00

Lists!Workers who performed their jobs after ingesting medication that causes drowsiness, listed in ascending order of the carnage from the resulting accident*Paperboy*Grocery bagger*Bank teller*Esthetician*Fry cook*Pizza deliveryman*Gas station attendant*Race car driver*Ashton Kutcher*Airline pilot*Nuclear missile launch technician*GodMotor vehicles I could feasibly own but probably won’t*Cooper

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-1111525445668536922005-03-23T19:50:00.000-06:002005-03-23T14:57:07.516-06:00

It’s Back!Sh*t Sandwich Cinema This week...THE PACIFIERStarring Vin Diesel, Brad Garrett, Faith FordIt’s been awhile since our last edition, because I developed a nasty phobia about bad movies. They scared me, scared me bad, causing me to break out in hives, with hazy hallucinations of the emerging Dark Prince of Bad Movies, Ben Affleck, walking me around on a leash like his personal Hound of

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-1111095937922011242005-03-17T19:38:00.000-06:002005-03-18T08:07:09.083-06:00

St. Paddy’s Days Past1976It was in kindergarten that I first learned of the existence of St. Patrick’s Day. Thanks to the teacher’s vivid description, I spent the next fifteen years regarding Ireland as a lush greenery, filled with lushes. It became my personal mecca. Not even that potato famine module in Grade 8 Social Studies, or the news stories about IRA terrorism dissuaded me from believing

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-1110550540950542832005-03-11T06:10:00.000-06:002005-03-11T08:15:40.953-06:00

HEADLINES… Area man nearing all-time futility record for rolling up the rim and failing to ever win anything … Martha Stewart out of jail, now carrying concealed, ivory-handled shiv, Marlboros now stashed in elegantly-tailored sleeve … Michael Jackson threatens to have consensual sex with an adult partner if demands not met … Zimbabwean docs attach previously unjoined Canadian twins … Frustrated

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-1109278852441613492005-02-24T17:55:00.000-06:002005-02-24T15:00:52.446-06:00

Other Jackson Body Parts We Could Fixate Upon*LaToya’s sticky-outy ears*Jermaine’s gingivitis-plagued gums*Marlon’s expanding waistline*Tito’s taintLuxury MocksOver lunch with a Joey! reader last week, we discussed the sorry state of professional hockey, a subject most people have barely touched upon this winter, what with our unhealthy fixation on indoor lawn bowling.He offered a gem that really

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-1108656765339066042005-02-17T19:11:00.000-06:002005-02-17T10:12:45.343-06:00

Fortune cookie messages that failed ISO 9001 quality control standardsLoved ones will benefit from your wisdom, but will always consider you to be a smart-ass know-it-all.Pain in your stomach? Well, it could be something serious, but really, it is probably just indigestion. Still, you cannot be too careful, according to that Dateline show.A fortune will fall into your lap. Or a lap dancer will

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-1107463356877623872005-02-03T16:27:00.000-06:002005-02-03T14:42:36.876-06:00

Observed... The Olsen twins’ dogwalker is left-handed and has an eating disorder, just like Ashley Olsen, who is “left-handed” and has an “eating disorder”. Stapler-related deaths were down 8 percent in 2004. Stapler-related injuries continued their steady climb, rising 14 percent in 2004. Back in the day, most big-city journalists started in smaller centres. Not anymore. "Back in the day"

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-1106860027478965942005-01-27T23:53:00.000-06:002005-01-27T15:07:07.476-06:00

Real Headline, Fake News Story! Battle Cry For War Amps OTTAWA - Is this the end of the road for the War Amputees of Canada, the beloved public service organization that distributes safety awareness to kids and key tags to their parents? “It could be the beginning of the end,” said longtime spokesman Cliff Chadderton. “It appears we have raised the public’s awareness to levels we never

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5008368.post-1106247185595783882005-01-20T23:47:00.000-06:002005-01-20T12:53:05.596-06:00

Real Headline, Fake Story! Immigration Minister Resigns Post, Vows To Return Immigration Minister Judy Sgro resigned last week, but has promised to clear her name of the scandal that has plagued her ministry for many months. If that doesn’t work, she will wait for Canadians to forget the scandal and then resume her duties, an option that may require her to sit on the sidelines for as long as

Joey Smallwoodnoreply@blogger.com0